The Quesada Chronicles

I’ve been doing some thinking after looking over a couple of my magazine subscriptions. GQ Magazine had Jessica Alba on the cover of it’s June issue. And this month’s issue has Jessica Biel gracing the cover. One can arguably say that these two girls are the hottest female commodities in Hollywood right now. But if you had to choose one, who would it be? Damn. This one is really, really tough. And I promise I’m not being sarcastic… for once. If I were making a movie, here is what I would take into consideration when picking my leading Jessica:

Backgrounds: Both come from good, wholesome, family shows as child stars. Biel used to star in ultra religious 7th Heaven. Alba starred in the the Disney Channel’s modern adaptaion of Flipper. This is kind of a boring category, so I won’t put too much value on it. ADVANTAGE: DRAW

Current Projects: Both have movies coming out soon. Alba is starring in “Good Luck Chuck”, which comes out later this summer. Her romantic interest in the film is Dane Cook. That guy blows. I mean, Dane Cook? That’s the best they could do? Makes me wonder if it’s going to be a comedy or not. Because, well, that guy isn’t funny. Biel is co-starring with Adam Sandler and Keving James in “I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry”. That one looks like it might be worth watching. And what’s with the name “Chuck” in these movies? ***Just a quick note that they will both be showing a good amount of skin, so it may be worthwhile to see both movies. Twice.*** ADVANTAGE: BIEL

Physical Appearance: Alba has the more exotic look. Definitely has a good figure. And can be versatile. She can play her latin self, or even play a blonde, blue eyed superhero (Fantastic 4) or blonde, (insert eye color) stripper (Sin City). Although Biel is more limited in what she can do with her appearance so far, she does have a more defined physique. Nicer curves. She’s got that tattoo I’m not a fan of, but Alba has the piercing. As a bonus, they both look like they enjoy playing sports! Damn. This is a tough one. Hmmmmm. ADVANTAGE: BIEL

Personal Lives: I don’t really hear much about Alba. And surprisingly, this is a good thing. The less I know about a celebrity’s personal life, the less likely I am to stop caring about their projects. Having said that, I understand that Biel is dating the very manly Justin Timberlake. Seriously, Biel? I know that’s not the best you can do. That guy sucks. I’d rather she go lesbian. Right now. ADVANTAGE: ALBA

Acting Ability: Uh-huh… Yeah… Next category please… ADVANTAGE: DRAW

Potential: I think Biel has huge potential. But I’m not all that keen on her decision making abilities, as in the scripts she chooses. At least so far there hasn’t been a clear cut break-through movie of hers. On the other hand, Alba has ‘Sin City’ on her resume. And a sequel to it coming up. So she gets points for that. And also Alba seems to have the more out going personality. I thought she did a good job on the MTV movie awards last year. ADVANTAGE: ALBA

So in conclusion, the choice is clear. If I were making a movie, I would have to choose… both of them. Check out this plot! Alba would be framed for murder, escape from custody, and go on the run. Biel can be a bounty hunter, kicking ass all the way until she nabs Alba. Then, somehow or another, Biel decides to help Alba, and they both go out to prove her innocence by finding the real killer. And one night after a couple of drinks in the hot tub… you know. Now, what no-talent Jessica could I get to play the villain?

Go ahead and start engraving that Oscar now. That’s Quesada with a “Q”. Thanks.

-Dave Q.

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