Archive for September, 2007
Mexico’s finest export since tequila, Salma Hayek, has given birth. She is now the mother a baby girl and both mother and daughter are doing well. I have to tell you, I’m pretty shaken up about it.
Salma Hayek as we knew her is pretty much done. I’m sure she’s a talented actress and she will be back in films doing the “acting” stuff. But people didn’t like her for her acting. People liked Salma Hayek because of her kick-ass body. If someone saw that Salma Hayek was going to be in a movie, they would see the movie because there was potential for her skirt to fall off or her blouse to burst open. The girl was stacked!
I know that other celebrities have kids and then hit the gym hard and in some cases look better than before. Gwen Stefani for example. But the difference between those girls and Salma Hayek is that in most cases the girls that get back into hard core shape are usually extremely thin to begin with. The kind of girls that you can see their ribs and pelvic bones. Salma Hayek isn’t like that. Salma Hayek is voluptuous. She has had curves up and down since the first time she hit the big screen. Probably one of the biggest reasons I became a fan. So I just don’t think she is going to get back to a point where her being half naked is going to sell tickets. And I really don’t want her to go all Britney Spears on movie buffs everywhere and try to do something sexy before her body is ready. Play it safe, Salma.
I actually met Salma Hayek back in 1997. She was in San Antonio promoting “Fools Rush In”. My buddy Jay and I rushed downtown and got in line to get a picture and an autograph. She was very short, had a much stronger Spanish accent than she has in her films, and gave me a kiss on the cheek when I told her I skipped a History exam just to come and see her. I have a picture of her and I that, despite the idiot grin on my face, I would proudly post here, except that I never got around to scanning it. I will put that on my to-do list. So until then, here’s a more recent Salma Hayek image above.
In memory of the hot version of Salma Hayek. I know deep down this is how she would have wanted to be remembered.
Some dude by the name of Marc Ecko ponied up over $700,000 for Barry Bonds’ 756th home run ball. The home run that alledgedly broke Hank Aaron’s record. And amid some mch controversy surrounding Bonds and his cheating ways, he is putting the fate of the ball up for vote. Go to the website and check it out all the details here. He provides 3 possible options for the fate of the ball:
- Give the ball to the Hall of Fame in Cooperstown as is.
- Burn an asterisk into the ball, then giving it to the Hall of Fame.
- Send the ball to the moon. Seriously.
Well, to me option #3 is just stupid. Why do that? Obviously the guy has money to blow, so he maybe could afford a stunt like sending it to the moon, but it just sounds like a stupid idea. But option #1 is even worse. No way should tha ball be given back as is and displayed in Cooperstown. Bonds is a cheater. And the only way people will remember this is with option #2. Brand that baseball like it was cattle and then give it to the Hall of Fame. The MLB won’t be able to hide how tainted this “record” is. So I have obviously voted for option #2. And I encourage anyone else who is a true baseball fan to do the same.
For those of you that don’t know, Marc Ecko made his fortune as a fashion designer. I never really expected someone in that industry to have a clue about the goings ons in baseball, let alone sports. But I have to give him props for doing this. I’m sure in some form or fashion (ha! get it?), he is benefiting from all this. But giving true baseball fans a voice on this topic is pretty damn cool. I hope the right thing is done here. And for those that want option #3, maybe we can compromise. I suggest putting Barry Bonds on the moon instead. Or better yet, how about the sun?
I am now a minister. Yes, it’s true. And so is Horbi. Apparently it really is that easy to become ordained!
I went online during Labor Day weekend after talking to my buddy Chase’s best man, Kanan. A couple of guys there kept making jokes about if something were to happen to the Priest, Kanan would have to be ready to step in. I finally asked him about it and he told me that through a website he became and ordained minister and actually has performed a weeding ceremony. Well, this sounded too cool and easy not to do. So the next day I found the website and submitted an email to a church in Modesto, California to become ordained.
I kind of forgot about it until today. I went through my Gmail inbox and found the email confirmation from “Brother Kevin”. The email was basically telling me I am now a part of the Christian clergy and I can now legally perform a number of ceremonies. Ha! Take that, guidance counselor!
I told Horbi about this and he got all kinds of crazy pumped up to do it too. So he did. Now were are fellow brothers of the cloth. Brother Dave and Brother Horbi. I decided to bless my bottle of Ozarka when I got thirsty. I had never drank Holy Water before. Tastes good!
So, if anyone needs me to perform a wedding ceremony, needs to me to baptize their kid, or needs someone to preside over a funeral, then I’m your man. But I can’t do it for free. The good Lord would want me to charge $1,000 a wedding. And since children are smaller, then 50% off my going rate for baptisms. Funerals? Well, if you have to ask, you can’t afford me.
-Rev. Dave Q.
In the past week, Southwest Airlines has forced two young, attractive female passengers to cover themselves during their flights because someone complained about the way they were dressed. Read all about it right here. Wow. What is the world coming to? I’ll admit their attire was easy on the eyes, but come on. Do you really think they were dressed that provocatively? I don’t either.
You know some insecure women traveling with their husbands are the ones who complained to the flight attendants when they busted their men scoping out the hot girl. Instead of taking it out on the poor, ditzy, college girl (one of them works at Hooters, big shocker!), try dressing nicer! Do some situps! That’s one way to keep your man’s attention. One of these girls was going out of state to see a doctor. No doubt a plastic surgeon (boobs). Instead of getting a flight attendant to get her to cover up, maybe ask for her doctor’s contact number! Stop hatin’!
I have no choice but to boycott Southwest Airlines. Way to go, Southwest! For as uncomfortable as airline travel is to begin with, you go and take it a step further by killing the morale of male passengers by taking away any significant eye candy. Why don’t you put put pine cones in our seat cushions while you’re at it?!?
Truth be told, I see that kind of attire on girls all the time. Unfortunatley, the girls I see don’t look like Kyla Ebbert and Setara Qassim. Now that’s the time people should be complaining! When a girl wears something that should be outlawed for their body type! Can anyone say “double-standard”? If I ever have to fly Southwest Airlines again, I guarantee you I will be looking for the chubby girl exposing her less than perfect abs and complain. Because I have always found that offensive. And repulsive. And gross.
This isn’t me complaining about my shoulder. This is me telling you how I’m going to fix my shoulder so no one has to ever hear me complain about it. I am going to start physical therapy on Monday. I went to the doc and I was diagnosed with “Multidirectional Instability“. He explained to me what it was, but it sounded like gibberish at that point. All I know is that it hurts, I don’t need surgery, and after about a month of physical therapy, I should be feeling better.
As a bonus, the clinic where I will be going for physical therapy 3 times a week is extremely close to my parent’s house. So if all goes according to plan, I can go do the physical therapy thing, then go visit with my folks, and then go running at the track with my Dad. The perfect plan. Perfect I tell you! Perfect!
Except for one thing…
Beginning in October I am going to be exiled working out of another office for a month. That office just happens to be on the other side of town. So it looks like I will be taking a loan out to pay for gas that month. It’s going to be ugly. I better start bringing Lean Cuisine to work, or find any other super cheap lunch alternatives. So if anyone has been dying to take me to lunch in recent memory, I think my October schedule is looking pretty clear!
Give me a freakin’ break! A bunch of teachers got offended because of this? This??!? Please. How many other careers, jobs, industries, public servants, etc., have been parodied over the years? Police Officers. Doctors. Lumberjacks. Politicians. Florists. Cable TV Repair Men. Hamburger Flippers. I don’t recall a huge stink being raised by any of those unions.
If anything, teachers should take this as a compliment. Their profession is represented with a hot girl! If it was Rosie O’Donnell, then they should be upset.
So Carl’s Jr. caved in and removed the ad. Thank you, teachers. Way to encourage free speech. I better not find any of the many teachers I know watching Saturday Night Live. All those parodies would no doubt offend them.
Dear Lord. I had only heard about how pathetic she looked at the MTV VMAs this past Sunday. Now I’ve seen the video of it. I can’t believe that this was the same Britney Spears that used to make Bob Dole holler for Viagra. Since misery loves company, here’s the video. Talk about a long, hard fall from grace. Eeesh!
I almost feel sorry for her. Almost. She brought all this on herself. She is the mother of two children now and should act like one. Her priorities are so out of whack you have no choice but to think drugs, alcohol, mental problems, or all the above are coming into play here.
And talk about not wanting to let go of the past. This is worse than Bill Clinton leaving fingernail marks on the hardwood floors when they dragged him out of the White House. She is sad in how much she is clinging on to what she once was. Just let go! This is not the right time in her life to be wearing that outfit. In fact, that time is long gone. And the lipsynching is painful. I hope she just phoned it in, because if she put in any effort whatsoever, it’s laughable.
I will defend her on one point. In today’s society, when I easily see fat girls exposing their bellys by wearing small t-shirts that don’t cover enough around every corner (even at work sometimes), why wouldn’t Britney Spears feel like she was in good enough shape to wear whatever it was she was wearing Sunday night? Seriously. Why do fat girls feel the need to show us their guts? But that’s a whole other rant.
So, was there ever a funeral held for the death of Hot Britney? Because she died a long time ago, brothers. Now we’re stuck with Miss Piggy’s stunt double. Please put some clothes on, lady.
***UPDATE*** Looks like those pricks at Viacom are trying to had their bad decisions and took down the Spears VMA video. Sorry.
It’s hard to believe that it’s been 6 years since 19 psycho-paths murdered nearly 3,000 innocent people from all walks of life on American soil. Without a doubt the biggest world event of my life. As much as our government has done to prevent such a catastrophe from happening again, I have to say that I don’t take comfort in the fact that we still haven’t killed Osama Bin Laden. And it pisses me off every time I hear about another American losing their life in that hell hole known as Iraq. However, I do take comfort that the 19 ass-clowns that hijacked those planes are now hanging out with the likes of Jeffrey Dahmer and Hitler. And I do take comfort knowing that our brave men and women in uniform are out there fighting for our rights to be free. I have nothing but respect for those that wear the uniform. I just want their safe return as much as I want them to kill those motherf@#%kers!
September 11, 2001 will forever be one of those days in life that you will always remember where you were and what you were doing when you first got word of the horrifying events that were going down. I remember being in class and my buddy Jay calling me and asking me if I heard that some idiot flew a plane into the World Trade Center. I was thinking a small Cessna took a wrong turn. Damn was I off.
So I would like to say now that those who lost their lives that day (with the exception of the 19 pieces of shit that did this) that from a personal note I will never forget. And I will always be thankful to the brave passengers on Flight 93 that fought back against those assholes and potentially saved innocent lives. Frankly, that’s what being an American is all about. The chips were down and those passengers knew they were going to die, but that didn’t stop them from doing the right thing. That my friends is the American spirit. God bless them.