Archive for April, 2008

I got the following text from my good friend Nick:

Nicholas Abel Zuniga

DOB 4-29-08, 12:37pm

6lbs, 11oz., 19″.

Mother and child are doing well. Dad is a bit giddy. You see folks, this is Nick’s first child. And I know through the years I’ve given him crap about various things that he does that are flat out wrong. Like his fantasy football picks. And the fact that he idolizes Ricky Martin. Not cool, man. But if there is one thing I have no doubt he will excel at, is being a father. So congrats Nick. I have no doubt you will handle fatherhood with grace. Well, at least more grace than your jump shot.  And that won’t be too hard to do.

-Dave Q.

 

This is my friend Jen. She emailed me this pic of her. Check out that right eye. Ouch! And check it out a different pic here. That’s a pretty good shiner. Ironically, she is from Shiner, TX. And therefore bleeds Shiner beer. Weird.

Now I can only imagine what happened to her since I did not get an exact description of events that led to this. And trust me, I can imagine a lot. So here it is. My Top Ten possibilities on how Jen got a black eye:

  1. Face planted while skateboarding.
  2. Let her guard down while boxing a kangaroo.
  3. Wore Obama gear at a Hillary rally.
  4. Tried to take candy away from her 1st graders.
  5. Attempted to act out a seen from the second Jack Ass movie.
  6. Someone told her chicks with black eyes are sexy.
  7. Got in the way of a football pass, Marsha Brady style.
  8. Bar fight with soccer hooligans.
  9. Walked into wall.
  10. She plays softball, so…… she probably talked too much trash after a game.

These are just theories. We will probably never, ever know the truth about what happened to Jen. I am pretty sure it’s one of the above (leaning towards kangaroo). But if there is a realistic scenario I haven’t considered, please let me know.

And yes, I’ve thought about straight up asking her what happened. But judging by the beating she took, she probably has no recollection of the past couple of weeks. Poor girl.

-Dave Q.

This is from FunnyOrDie.com. This may be the inspiration for Will Ferrell’s commercial that came out during Super Bowl promoting his film ‘Semi-Pro’. The biggest difference between Will Ferrell’s commercial and this one is that this one may be funnier. Actually, that is a fact. It’s way funnier! Is that proper English?

Thanks to Bobby for sending this my way!

-Dave Q.

I’m pretty sure we have all seen this ad by now. And if you haven’t, here’s the 2 cent summary: Absolut Vodka put out the above ad with the intention of running it only in Mexico. They didn’t expect it to reach the U.S. and piss off patriotic Americans everywhere. I guess they’ve never heard of the internet, huh? Anyway, good thing I’m not a big drinker, but if I was, I would boycott their vodka. Why am I going to support a company that in their idea of a perfect world would be giving half of the geographical U.S. to Mexico? Screw ‘em.

And as for Mexico, our southern neighbors who hate our American government and laws but love our American currency, may I just say, ‘grow up’. You want to get mad at us because your ancestors lost a war in 1848 and signed an agreement that made that land property of the U.S.? America shouldn’t be the target of your anger. It should be your government that you are pissed off with. And since you would rather come over here illegally than to stand up for your rights and fix your government, then it sounds like you should be even more pissed off at yourselves. So stop bitching and whining about the past and for God’s sake do something about your future.

By the way, isn’t Absolut a Swedish company? What the hell do they know about vodka, anyway? Gotta trust the Russians on that front. I at least hope the Smirnoff people don’t have their heads up their collective asses like thse guys.

-Dave Q.

Remember the New Kids on the Block?  Yeah, unfortunately, me too.  Well, apparently they are planning a comeback.  Seriously.  Although, I can’t say I blame them.  They obviously hear all the crappy music that is on the radio right now and think ‘Hey!  We can do that!’.  Good luck gents.  Should at least be easy money from the curious.  You know the type, the ones that can’t look away from a gruesome train wreck.

These guys made me miserable 20 years ago. I have two sisters that adored these “singing sensations”.  They would listen to them non-stop at a high volume, which naturally drove me to suicidal thoughts.  And then there were the posters.  And possibly some t-shirts, but I can’t be certain.  I guess I blocked that out.  You know.   Trauma.

Anyway, I’m sure my sisters will be scouring StubHub.com to get a deal when the NKOTB tour hits their area.  Until then, they will just have to HANG TOUGH.  Ha!  Get it?  ‘Hang Tough’?  It was one of their songs I think.  Aww to hell with you.

-Dave Q.


 

Ok. I’m having a hard time digesting this one. I’m not saying it’s fake. But I can’t believe 100% what I’m seeing. And it’s not just because the elephant draws better than me.  Any thoughts?

-Dave Q.

Since this has been dragging on and on, you knew this was bound to happen. And you know democrats would love to see a dream ticket of Clinton/Obama. Or is it Obama/Clinton? Who cares. All I can tell you is that the picture above is a Dems wet dream right about now.

Is it Barack with a bad haircut? Or a better looking Hillary? Your call, my fellow Americans.

-Dave Q.

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Today's Deep Thought

  • If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like 'Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!' and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, 'That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice.' Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.