Most of you know how I feel about Valentine’s Day. That it’s pretty much a fraud. But that doesn’t mean I won’t celebrate it. I’m not a monster. I know how much Valentine’s Day can mean to some people (women). So, I do go out and buy her gifts. And more enjoyably for me, I do take my Valentine out for a lavish dinner. But no way in hell am I doing dinner on February 14th! Absolutely not. Final answer. And I have plenty of reasons. Let’s go through the motions of a nice dinner at a nice restaraunt on St. Valentine’s Day. I already feel like giving Dr. Kevorkian a call.

To start, you must make reservations. But it doesn’t really matter, because you will get to your destination on time, but you’re still in for a wait. A loooooooong wait. And you will be in a waiting area with 20+ other cranky Valentine couples. And not enough chairs for everyone. It would be nice if all the “gentlemen” would give up their seats for the females, but that’s not happening either. Things are kicking off nicely.

After an hour and fifteen minutes, you finally get to your table. Where you are given an extremely limited menu with about 4 choices of entrees. You see, on Valentine’s day, restaraunts know there is going to be a huge rush, so they pretty much have all their entrees prepared and sitting under heat lamps until you make your selection. All these nice restaraunts pretty much turn into fast food joints. Did I mention the food tastes like crap? It does.

So now you’ve waited well over an hour for your table and gotten a pathetic excuse of a dinner. What else can go wrong? Well, now you can’t see. Because they have gouged you in the eyes with the price tag to this lovely meal! Restaraunts jack up the prices big time on Valentine’s Day. Why? Because like the oil companies, they can. And they also kick puppies when they get bored. Evil bastards.

So as bad as dinner was, at least the service was excellent. Are you out of your !%$#@ mind?!?! The service at restaraunts is absolutely the worst on Valentine’s Day. No smiles from your waitress. Very few drink refills. And for the love of all that is holy pray that they get the order right! And don’t bother getting your waitresses name, because chances are you will have a different one by the time you wrap dinner up. Absoulute chaos, my friends.

I only speak from experience. So whenever Valentine’s rolls around, you will find me celebrating a couple days before. Not waiting. Not getting crappy food. And not getting crappy service. To all of you heading out to dinner tonight, I’m sure the experience will be memorable. Kind of like Chernobyl.

-Dave Q.

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Today's Deep Thought

  • Here's a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and when you come out you're all covered with leeches. Just say, "Hey, has anybody seen my raisins?" (Because leeches kind of look like big raisins.)