My friend Mark usually reserves a gym to play pick-up basketball on Thursday nights. So last night my buddy Nick and I went to go shoot hoops with them. It’s usually the same people that play, but last night there were a couple of guys playing that I had never played with before. One of them was a guy named Niko. Ladies and gentlemen, Niko is a douche bag.

The reason I have enjoyed playing Thursday nights with Mark and the guys was that for the most part, everyone has been on the same level, with the exception of a couple of guys that have a little more talent. Well, Niko has some ability. The guy obviously played organized basketball for a while. And I guess playing with us, he realized he was the most talented on the court. So he let everyone know it. Not so much with his play, but with his mouth. The guy would not shut up.

So in the third game we played, I drew the defensive assignment against him. He kind of laughed when he saw me guarding him. And in a way, I didn’t blame him. I’m by no means good at basketball, but I enjoy the workout. But because of Niko’s big mouth, it just motivated be to defend him. He lit me up for 3 games straight. And when we were on offense, he would make comments when I had the ball or when I would post up against him. I wasn’t paying enough attention to him to note if this was his defensive strategy or if he was singling me out. But I took it as the latter. So with him mouthing off, it felt good to pop a 3 in his face. My only highlight of the night.

During what would be the last game of the night, we needed only one more basket to win. They were down by 6 points and Niko was shouting out a guarantee that they were going to win in the end. So when they were inbounding the ball, Niko had it and saw that I was guarding him. So he started getting all cute with the basketball, dribbling it around like he was participating in one of those AND1 tournaments. So I swiped at it and tipped it toward me. We both hit the deck trying to recover the ball, I get elbowed in the chops, both of us have our arms around the ball, and he yells “You are not taking this ball from me! You are not taking this ball from me! You are not taking this ball from me!!.” I just look at him and ask him “Are you serious?”

At that point I just wanted to win, so I let go of the ball. They inbound, he misses, and we score. That’s it. Nice guarantee, Niko. Anyway, I can’t recall in recent memory when I’ve played against such an immature jackass like Niko. Congratulations, Niko. You really showed me. If I had to guess, Niko is about 23 years old. But acted more like a 12 year old. In 3rd grade. You do the math. Besides showing everyone his lack of class, he schooled a 32 year old who has never played organized basketball in his life. I was wearing cross-trainers, for God’s sake.

Whiners Winners like Niko take all the fun out of playing pick-up basketball. For being such a bad-ass, it must have felt weird for him to be playing with a bunch of regular guys. I don’t know where in town all the true ballers play. But I have a feeling, Niko doesn’t know either.

-Dave Q.

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Today's Deep Thought

  • I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is that they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff. Then, when somebody comes up, they act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"