Author Archive
I am now a minister. Yes, it’s true. And so is Horbi. Apparently it really is that easy to become ordained!
I went online during Labor Day weekend after talking to my buddy Chase’s best man, Kanan. A couple of guys there kept making jokes about if something were to happen to the Priest, Kanan would have to be ready to step in. I finally asked him about it and he told me that through a website he became and ordained minister and actually has performed a weeding ceremony. Well, this sounded too cool and easy not to do. So the next day I found the website and submitted an email to a church in Modesto, California to become ordained.
I kind of forgot about it until today. I went through my Gmail inbox and found the email confirmation from “Brother Kevin”. The email was basically telling me I am now a part of the Christian clergy and I can now legally perform a number of ceremonies. Ha! Take that, guidance counselor!
I told Horbi about this and he got all kinds of crazy pumped up to do it too. So he did. Now were are fellow brothers of the cloth. Brother Dave and Brother Horbi. I decided to bless my bottle of Ozarka when I got thirsty. I had never drank Holy Water before. Tastes good!
So, if anyone needs me to perform a wedding ceremony, needs to me to baptize their kid, or needs someone to preside over a funeral, then I’m your man. But I can’t do it for free. The good Lord would want me to charge $1,000 a wedding. And since children are smaller, then 50% off my going rate for baptisms. Funerals? Well, if you have to ask, you can’t afford me.
-Rev. Dave Q.
In the past week, Southwest Airlines has forced two young, attractive female passengers to cover themselves during their flights because someone complained about the way they were dressed. Read all about it right here. Wow. What is the world coming to? I’ll admit their attire was easy on the eyes, but come on. Do you really think they were dressed that provocatively? I don’t either.
You know some insecure women traveling with their husbands are the ones who complained to the flight attendants when they busted their men scoping out the hot girl. Instead of taking it out on the poor, ditzy, college girl (one of them works at Hooters, big shocker!), try dressing nicer! Do some situps! That’s one way to keep your man’s attention. One of these girls was going out of state to see a doctor. No doubt a plastic surgeon (boobs). Instead of getting a flight attendant to get her to cover up, maybe ask for her doctor’s contact number! Stop hatin’!
I have no choice but to boycott Southwest Airlines. Way to go, Southwest! For as uncomfortable as airline travel is to begin with, you go and take it a step further by killing the morale of male passengers by taking away any significant eye candy. Why don’t you put put pine cones in our seat cushions while you’re at it?!?
Truth be told, I see that kind of attire on girls all the time. Unfortunatley, the girls I see don’t look like Kyla Ebbert and Setara Qassim. Now that’s the time people should be complaining! When a girl wears something that should be outlawed for their body type! Can anyone say “double-standard”? If I ever have to fly Southwest Airlines again, I guarantee you I will be looking for the chubby girl exposing her less than perfect abs and complain. Because I have always found that offensive. And repulsive. And gross.
-Dave Q.
This isn’t me complaining about my shoulder. This is me telling you how I’m going to fix my shoulder so no one has to ever hear me complain about it. I am going to start physical therapy on Monday. I went to the doc and I was diagnosed with “Multidirectional Instability“. He explained to me what it was, but it sounded like gibberish at that point. All I know is that it hurts, I don’t need surgery, and after about a month of physical therapy, I should be feeling better.
As a bonus, the clinic where I will be going for physical therapy 3 times a week is extremely close to my parent’s house. So if all goes according to plan, I can go do the physical therapy thing, then go visit with my folks, and then go running at the track with my Dad. The perfect plan. Perfect I tell you! Perfect!
Except for one thing…
Beginning in October I am going to be exiled working out of another office for a month. That office just happens to be on the other side of town. So it looks like I will be taking a loan out to pay for gas that month. It’s going to be ugly. I better start bringing Lean Cuisine to work, or find any other super cheap lunch alternatives. So if anyone has been dying to take me to lunch in recent memory, I think my October schedule is looking pretty clear! 
-Dave Q.
Give me a freakin’ break! A bunch of teachers got offended because of this? This??!? Please. How many other careers, jobs, industries, public servants, etc., have been parodied over the years? Police Officers. Doctors. Lumberjacks. Politicians. Florists. Cable TV Repair Men. Hamburger Flippers. I don’t recall a huge stink being raised by any of those unions.
If anything, teachers should take this as a compliment. Their profession is represented with a hot girl! If it was Rosie O’Donnell, then they should be upset.
So Carl’s Jr. caved in and removed the ad. Thank you, teachers. Way to encourage free speech. I better not find any of the many teachers I know watching Saturday Night Live. All those parodies would no doubt offend them.
-Dave Q.
Dear Lord. I had only heard about how pathetic she looked at the MTV VMAs this past Sunday. Now I’ve seen the video of it. I can’t believe that this was the same Britney Spears that used to make Bob Dole holler for Viagra. Since misery loves company, here’s the video. Talk about a long, hard fall from grace. Eeesh!
I almost feel sorry for her. Almost. She brought all this on herself. She is the mother of two children now and should act like one. Her priorities are so out of whack you have no choice but to think drugs, alcohol, mental problems, or all the above are coming into play here.
And talk about not wanting to let go of the past. This is worse than Bill Clinton leaving fingernail marks on the hardwood floors when they dragged him out of the White House. She is sad in how much she is clinging on to what she once was. Just let go! This is not the right time in her life to be wearing that outfit. In fact, that time is long gone. And the lipsynching is painful. I hope she just phoned it in, because if she put in any effort whatsoever, it’s laughable.
I will defend her on one point. In today’s society, when I easily see fat girls exposing their bellys by wearing small t-shirts that don’t cover enough around every corner (even at work sometimes), why wouldn’t Britney Spears feel like she was in good enough shape to wear whatever it was she was wearing Sunday night? Seriously. Why do fat girls feel the need to show us their guts? But that’s a whole other rant.
So, was there ever a funeral held for the death of Hot Britney? Because she died a long time ago, brothers. Now we’re stuck with Miss Piggy’s stunt double. Please put some clothes on, lady.
-Dave Q.
***UPDATE*** Looks like those pricks at Viacom are trying to had their bad decisions and took down the Spears VMA video. Sorry.
It’s hard to believe that it’s been 6 years since 19 psycho-paths murdered nearly 3,000 innocent people from all walks of life on American soil. Without a doubt the biggest world event of my life. As much as our government has done to prevent such a catastrophe from happening again, I have to say that I don’t take comfort in the fact that we still haven’t killed Osama Bin Laden. And it pisses me off every time I hear about another American losing their life in that hell hole known as Iraq. However, I do take comfort that the 19 ass-clowns that hijacked those planes are now hanging out with the likes of Jeffrey Dahmer and Hitler. And I do take comfort knowing that our brave men and women in uniform are out there fighting for our rights to be free. I have nothing but respect for those that wear the uniform. I just want their safe return as much as I want them to kill those motherf@#%kers!
September 11, 2001 will forever be one of those days in life that you will always remember where you were and what you were doing when you first got word of the horrifying events that were going down. I remember being in class and my buddy Jay calling me and asking me if I heard that some idiot flew a plane into the World Trade Center. I was thinking a small Cessna took a wrong turn. Damn was I off.
So I would like to say now that those who lost their lives that day (with the exception of the 19 pieces of shit that did this) that from a personal note I will never forget. And I will always be thankful to the brave passengers on Flight 93 that fought back against those assholes and potentially saved innocent lives. Frankly, that’s what being an American is all about. The chips were down and those passengers knew they were going to die, but that didn’t stop them from doing the right thing. That my friends is the American spirit. God bless them.
-Dave Q.
Ok. I had a great weekend, with a little bit of weirdness.
Chase and Yvette’s wedding went off without a hitch, but if you ask them they may disagree. In the eyes of a spectator, it went off without a hitch. How’s that? Anyway, the rehearsal dinner was prepared by a gentleman who has been on Food Network. How many couples can claim that about their rehearsal dinner? I wish I could remember his name. Wow, that dude could cook. I almost overdosed on jumbalaya it was so damn good.
The ceremony was perfect. It was in a beautiful church. I would try to describe it but I wouldn’t do it justice, so trust me when I say it was one of the nicest I’ve ever been in. The reception was held in a hall that was actually used in filming the movie “Ray” with Jamie Foxx. That was a pretty cool tidbit. Maybe now I will watch that movie if only to see if I can spot where I was in line for beer.
So here’s where things got odd for me, if not just a little unexpected. Saturday, September 1st was the day of the wedding. It is also Yvette’s birthday. What does this mean? Well, for starters it means I will have a funeral to attend if Chase ever forgets the mammoth significance, but it also means that it is Labor Day Weekend in New Orleans. And that means it’s time for Southern Decadence, one of the biggest homosexual festivals in the country. Think of it as a gay Mardis Gras. Anyway, I saw some stuff that I never wanted to see. I don’t want to get into details, but some of the stuff I saw was just freakin’ weird. Yikes. But those guys seemed to be having a great time. And that’s what counts, right?
Anyway, that was pretty much the weekend. But dig this: On the flight from San Antonio I saw Vernita, a girl that works at the same company I do. And then on the flight back from New Orleans, working as a flight attendant was Farah, a girl I graduated high school with! And then on Bourbon St. I saw another guy I work with named Ruben. Small world.
So I had fun, some some stuff that will require time in thereapy, and now I’m back. It’s good to be back. Except for the work part.
-Dave Q.
So I’m in New Orleans for my buddy Chase’s wedding. Here’s the odd thing about this, Chase is already married. You see, Chase’s wife Yvette is from New Orleans, and their plan was to get married here 2 years ago, but due to a major event, they had to postpone the ceremony and get married by a judge. If you do the math, I’m sure you can figure out what devastating natural disaster hit this city 2 years ago.
I have seen certain areas that are still in the rebuilding process. But the French Quarter and Bourbon Street look just as unsanitary as they did when I was here 3 years ago. So I guess things are progressing nicely. The gambling at Harrah’s seems to be just fine. At least they haven’t forgotten how to take my money.
I did have a bit of bad luck. When I arrived to my hotel they told me that they moved me because they had a sprinkler malfunction and about 30 rooms got flooded. Nice. So I’m in a different hotel than I expected. And I’m not happy about it. At least they have free wireless.
Anyway, I’m heading out. I’m going to get a bite to eat and to meet up for the rehearsal. And then the rehearsal dinner. And then I have to get Chase plastered. We all have our burdens.
-Dave Q.
