Archive for the ‘Not Cool’ Category
In case you haven’t seen this, here is Lauren Caitlin Upton, Miss South Carolina Teen USA. And here she is answering a question. This is just hard to watch.
The exchange went a little something like this:
Question: “Recent polls have shown 1/5 of Americans can’t locate the U.S. on a world map, why do you think that is?”
Miss South Carolina: “I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uhmmm, some people out there in our nation don’t have maps and uh, I believe that our, I, education like such as, uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uhhh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for us.”
Huh? Ok. Obviously this girl got caught off guard. And as much as I cringe when I see this video, it’s obviously not the end of the world for her. Put it this way, I know her name, but I don’t know the name of the actual winner. Funny how that works, huh? She will probaby benefit financially in the end. Plus she looks good in a bkini. So I don’t feel sorry for her. In fact, I thank her. 
And of course you knew there would be some mocking of Miss Teen South Carolina. Could have been funnier, but I guess this was the best someone could do.
By the way, how does Mario Lopez keep getting these gigs? Or at least it seems like he’s done this stuff before. Wasn’t he up to replace Bob Barker on the “Price is Right”? Someone clearly sold their soul to Satan.
-Dave Q.
I am the only person on the planet that would end up missing my own Fantasy Football draft. All that damn planning and I overslept.
I’m going to go ahead and ram my head into a wall a few times. Excuse me…
-Dave Q.
So I played softball last night. And we got our asses stomped. You see, this particular team I play on, made up mostly of high school coaches, has a lot of heart. Talent, on the other hand, is not so plentiful. So after two innings bitch-slapped 19-2. Seriously. You’d think they would invoke some kind of mercy rule, but we weren’t that lucky.
Anyway, during the last half of the inning, where the opposing team scored the bulk of their runs, and for what seemed to me to take an eternity as a camped out in left field, the batter popped the ball up between me and the shortstop. As I’m running in, and our shortstop, Jaime, is running out, I hear one of the guys on the opposing team yelling “I got it! I got it!”, in an effort to distract us. Well, for starters, neither one of us were going to reach the ball. It’s not like either of us got under it and were just waiting for the ball to fall in our glove. But seriously. They were up 19-2 and some douchebag on the other team was yelling “I got it”? WTF? What kind of guy does that? Probably the same kind of guy that would have dressed up like a woman to get off the Titanic.
That to me is the definition of “Bush League”. When you do piddly little things like that to show your lack of sportsmanship, you are definitely the kind of person that will slide into second base with your spikes in the air to make sure the GIRL can’t complete the double play. Not caring if they injure her, of course. To make matters worse, the league we play in is a rec league. A “beer” league, if you will. Not competitive in the least bit.
No doubt the jackass that yelled that used to beat up 2nd graders when he was in 5th grade. Because he obvously can’t play with the big boys. Loser.
But we definitely played like 2nd graders. No defending that. Final score was 22-9.
-Dave Q.
Last night Barry Bonds hit career home run 756*, breaking Hank Aaron’s MLB home run record. Congratulations, asshole.
As much as I want to bash this piece of crap excuse for a ballplayer/person, I found everything I would want to express right here. So aside from the following art work, I will be putting this subject to bed. Hopefully the next time this jerk is in the news is for his conviction of perjury. Come on, George Mitchell. This will be your one and only chance for me and millions of other true baseball fans to respect the game again. Don’t blow it.
-Dave Q.
“With the exception of women, there is nothing on earth so agreeable or necessary to the comfort of man as the dog.” ~Edward Jesse, Anecdote of Dogs
I got some bad news this weekend. I took the dogs to the vet on Saturday to get checked out. Well, Murphy didn’t check out so good. He’s got heartworms. And now he needs to go through a bit of a rough (and expensive) treatment to get through it. The doc says he’s healthy, and he’s acting completely normal, so those are good signs that the treatment will be successful.
This is completely my fault. I got lazy in giving Murphy and Max their heartworm meds. And now Murphy is going to suffer for it. I feel like shit. I just want the little guy to come out of this okay. And I have to consider it a miracle that Max didn’t have heartworms. Any treatment on Max would have much more risk since he’s older.
I know Murphy is just a dog. And not a bright one at that. But after hearing the vet explain all the risks involved with the procedure, I couldn’t look at Murphy and not be a little emotional. I know there are a lot of people out there that their pets are their lives, taking them everywhere they go, dressing them up, taking them for pictures with Santa, etc. Well, anyone who knows me know that I don’t go to those extremes. But I also can’t imagine life without my dogs. And the thought of losing one of them is depressing. I’ve learned my lesson. I will make it a point to never let this happen again.
So tomorrow morning Murphy starts his two days of treatment. And all the recovery time that goes with it. Hopefully he’ll be doped up on enough painkillers to forgive me for my outright stupidity.
I’m sorry, Murph. Maybe once this is over, we can look back and laugh at this whole ordeal over a drink or two. Just like the good old days. Deal?
-Dave Q.
Sometime last week Jon Lovitz kicked the crap out of Andy Dick at a comedy club. Apparently it stemmed from something Andy Dick said to Lovitz regarding the late Phil Hartman. You could read the story here if you want more details.
I’ve never liked Andy Dick. His 15 minutes expired a long time ago. The guy is so damn obnoxious and his antics can only be described as raunchy. What a douche bag. Now that I read he may have had an indirect role in Phil Hartman’s death, I only hope he gets what’s coming to him. I would just like him to do what his career did a long time ago: Disappear. Just go away, Andy Dick. Nobody likes you.
In case any of you don’t remember the SNL legend that was Phil Hartman, here is one of his classic SNL clips with Jon Lovitz. This ought to jog some memories. He also was the first on SNL to play Bill Clinton. Remember those days?
Phil Hartman & Jon Lovitz
At any rate, I have to think that Jon Lovitz has to feel bad. Apparently it is well documented among comedians that Andy Dick is a colossul jack-ass, but how could anyone be proud of beating up him up? Happy? Yes. But proud? I don’t think so. Most 9 year-olds could have done that. Andy Dick no doubt has the fighting skills of your average 87-year old woman. And the only “man” I can think of that would have probably enjoyed beating up someone as pathetic as Andy Dick is…. uhh….. Andy Dick! Ha! Imagine that? The irony.
By the way, Jon Lovitz has now made my heroes list. Along with Spider-Man and Scott Baio.
-Dave Q.
Got the other bag in yesterday. Everything was in the bag, and then some. I found mold growing on clothes. Trust me when I say it wasn’t there before.
So I am writing yet another letter to Continental Airlines, if that is their real name. I have no idea what to expect from them, but I am determined to try to get something out of it. If any of you have ever experienced a lost luggage headache like this one, I’d like to hear if you got compensated or not. I want justice!
-Dave Q.
Dear (alleged) friends,
You tricked me. Completely pulled the wool over my eyes. I saw the “film”. I ended up wasting 2 hours and 24 minutes of my life. 2 hours and 24 minutes I could have wasted doing something else, like watching ESPN Classic, or sleeping. I’m not sure what I did to all of you, but it must have been bad. Or maybe you are all just mean spirited people who get kicks in knowing that you have sent someone to sit and suffer through a film with a horrible plot, pitiful acting, and a pathetic excuse for a script. Honestly, I wonder if anyone involved in the making of that movie had ever watched the cartoons as a kid.
Anyway, you got me good. Completely posterized me. Bravo. Congratulations (clap, clap, clap). I hope you all can sleep at night. And if you do, you are all probably dreaming of kicking puppies.
I don’t know how. I don’t know when. But you’ll get yours. Karma is a crazy thing. And Karma might have you sitting through a chick flick. Hopefully one with Barbara Streissand. Or Susan Sarandon. Or both. And for any females that said I should go watch it, I hope you miss a shoe sale or something.
-Dave Q.
